Sunday, November 29, 2015

Baby. Mama.

I have to go back to work on Wednesday and I fear that I'll never have another spare minute ever again. I thought I should write down some of my thoughts as an experienced mother. The best advice I got before having a baby was, "No one knows what they are doing as a parent, so don't feel bad when you feel like that all day every day". That has turned out to be so true and so comforting. There were so many times when I wished someone else could come and tell me what to do, but I have finally learned that I am the best mom for Sloane.

Sloane is such a happy baby. It took me a while to realize that sometimes she was crying because she was tired and not hungry. And now, she pretty much only cries when she is tired or hungry. She is so mellow and content all the time. Some days we push her pretty far, and I think she is going to be so mad/tired/sad, but she is just fine and happy and it's crazy awesome. She is gaining weight so slow and isn't even technically on the charts of percentiles (I guess that means she is a negative percentile for weight). She is still in newborn diapers and clothes! But she is strong and smart and she seems ahead of her age developmentally. She will not take a bottle, loves sucking on her hands, and is totes over being swaddled-she needs her arms free. She is not a fan of the baby wrap. She is LOVING the Christmas tree and gets SO excited when we put her under it. She is pretty independent and loves just chilling by herself on the floor. She just discovered her hands and tongue last week and it is so fun to watch her learn to control them. She can hold her head up like a champ and loves trying to stand up. She is my favorite. 

Look at that face! 

I mean.

See how tiny!

This bear is bigger than her. 

 We were able to bless her during Thanksgiving weekend and it was a great day. Nate gave her the most beautiful blessing and we had lots of family there to support us. She wore the same dress that I wore when I was blessed and she looked super fancy. 

Both families. Mixing. 

(Half of) Nate's fam.

(Most of) My Fam. 

Heeeyyy Brother. 

And now for some cliche crap you hear all the time (But turned out to be really really true)

It is insane how much I love that tiny baby. It makes no sense. If she naps longer than usual, I start to miss her and start watching videos of her on my phone. Sometimes when we are out running errands, I start to miss her because she is clear in the backseat. It's hard to share her with family and friends because I pretty much just always want to be mauling her with love. I'm breaking all the "baby sleep rules" because I just want to hold her and cuddle her all day every day.The amount of anxiety that accompanies motherhood is kinda overwhelming. I do not know what I would do if something happened to her. A few months ago I didn't even know this bebe and now I can't bare the thought of life without her.  It's so annoying how much I love her. I would always roll my eyes when I heard other moms say all the crap I just said, but something weird happens to you when you have a baby, so forgive me for being that mom. 

It's also insane how much more I love Nate. He is the best freaking dad, I can't get over it. I'm way too obsessed with my little family. 

 The thought of going back to work depresses me so bad. On top of all that sadness and stress, the girl who offered to watch Sloane when I go back told me last week that she could no longer do it. It has been a super stressful week trying to find someone I trust enough to take care of her. I thought I had found someone and then I went and met her and found myself disapproving of things I never thought I would have a problem with. I will have to leave her with someone I don't know, there is no way around it and it breaks my heart every time I think about it. The same day someone shared the most devastating article on facebook about a mom who dropped her baby off at daycare for the first time and came back a couple hours later to feed him and he was dead. The first day. I cried my eyes out and little Sloane just smiled at me and made me cry even more. I'm gonna be a wreck and all the men that I work with are not going to know what to do with me. Wish me (and them) luck. 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Four the Love

Last week we celebrated our 4th anniversary. Nate's parents were in town and watched the babe while we went and got a quick dinner, where we pretty much just talked about how cute our baby was the whole time. It's been a great year. I spent almost the entire thing pregnant, but we were still able to have tons of good times. it's been a big year and we have become real life adults with a mortgage and a baby. Here are some of the highlights/favorite memories from this year:
-Nate quit his stupid Color Vibe job and stopped abandoning me. (but then he got a new job and we had to live in different cities, so that was lame. BUT he only worked there for like a month). Finally living together full time is the best! It's so nice to have someone to sleep by and make dinner with.
-Australia was the best thing ever.
--The hotels we stayed in were sometimes disgusting, but Nate kept me calm and comfortable and talked me down when I was freaking about the huge roaches.
--When we went to grocery store and bought so much freaking candy. He gets me.
-Nate reads me Calvin and Hobbes at night and it is the best.
-I joined a dance company and Nate had to convince me every week that I should go and that it would be fun, and that I shouldn't quit. And every time I would come home super happy and so glad that I went. Like I said, he gets me.
-Camping in Bryce Canyon-Nate made the best most delicious dutch oven meals. One night he took one bite and was about to stand up. The bite was really hot so he made the stand up look like he was running around b/c the bite was so hot. (That's a really hard memory to describe and a definite "you had to be there" moment, but I laugh every time I think about it)
-I always use his sunglasses in the car and he would get kinda bugged about it. One night he finally came around and said, "I'd rather have you be happy than me have nice things" Such a good line.
-Boating with Nate's family was so fun. Nate is constantly smiling when he is behind a boat. Like constantly. I asked him why he's so smiley back there and he said he just can't believe he's skipping across the water and not sinking in. It's apparently the happiest thought to him.
-He was so nice to me while I was pregnant. He would fan me all through church because our building was built in the 1600's and has a hard time with A/C.
-We love talking about what sports/hobbies are kids are allowed to play. It's fun that we think we have control over that.

-Buying a house and watching Nate go to town on it. He seriously spends every spare minute he has doing some kinda project, no seconds are wasted. Guys, none.
-While we were watching conference, the rest hymn started up and it was a lot louder than speaker mcgee, and Nate grabbed the remote turned down the volume and said, "Woah, quiet down, we are trying to sleep" So sad, but so true.
-He thinks it's really funny to say something and then as soon as I respond, he says, "I was talking to Sloane" I never know if he's serious or not. At least now I can legitimately ask if he's talking to me.
-He loves weird flavored Fanta. Every time I let him choose the drink (we always share because we're dishonest and cheap like that) he chooses an obscure flavor of Fanta or mixes a few together. I'm not a fan. But I also think it's really funny that that is his wildest drink dream.
-Nate asked me where something was and I said, "In that weird end table by the bed." The next day he came out of the bedroom and said, "Just so you know, that weird end table by the bed is called a nightstand". He teaches me so much.
-Going through labor and recovery really bonds you together. Nate did so much for me during labor and my recovery, I don't think I would have made it without him. You wouldn't believe me if I told you all the things he did for me. Birth is an extremely humbling experience and being that vulnerable was not my favorite. We are about 50X closer after that experience.
-Everyone keeps saying that Sloane looks just like Nate. Every time someone says that he gets a tiny bit worried that he looks like a baby girl. I have to reassure him that he looks like a handsome, rugged manly man.
-Sloane sleeps so much better with Nate than with me. I complain that every time I hold her she just wants to eat. His response was, "It's hard to sleep with snacks laying around in your face." Good point.
-By far the best thing this year has been watching Nate become a dad. It's so magical. He loves his little girl so much, and she is already such a daddy's girl. As soon as he gets home he scoops her up and pretty much cuddles her all night long. He puts her to sleep every night, and every time she wakes up crying from a nap, he rushes to get her and always says, "I want to get her, I want to get her!" He thinks everything she does is hilarious and will sit and watch her for hours. He is the best papa.
One of the best pics I snagged all year. Serious shaving stance.

Nate was sweating because he was in the middle of putting up crown molding and only stopped for 4 seconds to take pictures. Like I said, non-stop working. 

These two are my fave. 

I love this picture so bad. Sloane looks so freaking tiny in his arm.
Happy Anni my love!