Half of me wants to go out and do ALL the things every single day but the other half of me is so tired, and getting grumpier by the minute, it's a very tricky combination. I want to rock Sloane to sleep every night but sometimes it's just so uncomfortable that I put her right into bed. I get these frantic thoughts in my head to "savor this moment" and "you're going to regret not taking advantage of this time". And I know myself and I know those thoughts are 100% true, but I also know that some nights I can't do much more than endure. It sounds dramatic and it probably is. Most days are really good and for the most part I feel great all day, but when night time rolls around, the aches and fatigue are rough. All I want to do is lay down, but I can't lay down too soon because my hips can only take so many hours of laying, so if I start too soon, I'll be up at like 4:00AM. Also, indigestion.
One of the hardest parts has been having patience with Sloane. She hasn't even been that difficult, but all of my patience stores are used up trying to endure this mental and physical stress. By the time I get to go pick her up, I'm pretty depleted and instead of enjoying our alone time, I end up doing the exact opposite. I lose patience so fast, I get mad over really dumb things (like her throwing something onto the floor- because I am so sick of bending over), I expect way too much from her. The worst part is that I am fully aware of my unrealistic expectations, but I still can't reel it in. It would almost be easier if I didn't know how ridiculous I was being. So after I freak out about a stupid thing and she comes over and says, "orry mama", then I get pounded in the face with so much guilt and I usually end up crying, because what else is there to do. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. I wish I could explain to her why I'm being such a mean mom and I really wish I could control it more. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not going to get much better when I'm a sleep-deprived, milk machine, so maybe it's best that her expectations of me are lowering daily.
Every once in a while the nice, adventurous Hayley wins out, so here's some pictures of that Hayley's life. Maybe those will make me and you feel less depressed.
This winter has been so mild, we've played outside almost every day. I do have to give myself a fat pat on the back for that, I have to fight the urge to go straight home and sit on the couch every single day. Sloane loves being outside so much and it makes me so happy that she is such an adventurer. She is unfazed by the cold. She stops, drops and snow angels spontaneously every day, it's one of my favorite things.
Nate and I got to go to a Jazz game and stay in a courtside suite. Those things are nuts, they have food and snacks in the suite and then you walk out your door and go watch the game. If you get hungry or thirsty, you just walk back to your suite and get whatever you need. It was so much fun.
This was the halftime dessert cart they brought around, like wha? Who lives like this?
After the game we stayed at the Little America as one last little "hurrah" before the baby comes. It was so nice to have some alone time with Nate and so nice to sleep past 5:30 AM, which is Sloane's new wake up time.
37 weeks. I feel larger than life and my poor skin is begging the stretching to stop.
This was one of my favorite moments in the last month. It's rarely comfortable to snuggle with this girl and this giant belly, but she actually found a good spot to settle in and it was a real good 3 minutes, before she realized she had been still for too long.
We took Sloane bowling for her first time and it was so fun! She loved it so much. She had the best reactions after her ball would go down the lane. She would cheer and jump up and down and gave out plenty of high fives. And seeing her in those tiny bowling shoes was almost worth it on it's own.
I went to a "Galentines" dance party last week and it was a good time. It sure is hard to dance when you're 38 weeks pregnant though. Baby girl was either really loving the loud music and dancing or hating it, I'll have to remember to ask her which one it was. The best part of the night was dancing to Justin Beiber's "baby baby baby" and just rubbing and pointing to my belly the whole time. Just in case anyone wasn't sure that there was a baby in there. I'm such a clever dancer guys.
These all-girl dance parties are so great. I love watching all these middle aged moms party their faces off.
They also had a real good swag bag, and lots of real good treats and photo ops. Can't wait to be able to dance to full capacity again soon.
Well, it worked, I feel a little better now.
Now I gotta go have a baby. I'll let you if I end up loving her.
JK guys I love her already. Lighten up.