Newborns are no joke, I kind of forgot how needy they are. I find myself talking to Sydney the same way I talk to Sloane, telling her to calm down, and to just be patient, and that she needs to sleep. I catch myself expecting way too much from this tiny infant, but I can't help myself sometimes. The hardest thing has been going from having tons quiet and somewhat alone time at work to being 100% in the trenches with a non-napping toddler and a needy newborn. It's been pretty rough. I find myself being very short and angry with Sloane when she won't listen to me or when she throws a fit. I know that I am expecting way too much from her and have to remind myself that she is still a tiny child. I have also had to apologize to her on the daily. Motherhood is insane. I try so hard to be patient and kind with Sloane and after so long, I'm all out of patience and then I get upset and then I feel bad so I apologize and then the whole thing starts over again. The days are long. I am trying my best to enjoy my time with these girls before I have to go back to work or before they grow up, but it is so hard sometimes. Everyone tells me to "enjoy every minute" but that's not going to happen, is it alright if I just enjoy some minutes, please?
The other part of this that makes it particularly difficult is that I grew wanting to be a stay at home mom, that's all I wanted. I still think that's all I want to do, I yearn to be at home when I'm at work, but yet when I am home, I feel like a failing. It's a lot worse when I realize that I'm not only failing, but I'm failing at like my only dream. And I know, I know, "You're doing better than you think, You're not failing blah blah blah". I don't actually think I'm failing, I know I'm doing the best I can, but it's so easy to get discouraged. It's also very hard to try and cope and not being able to exercise the way I like to. I am only 5 weeks PP and I can't start really exercising hard for a while. That is my favorite way to cope with stress and frustration and I'm a pretty big brat when I don't work out. Also, the sun won't come. This time of year is super hard on me mentally, and add to it the sleep-deprivation, the moody toddler and the needy newborn and you got a recipe for a super ornery momwifelady.
After another week or so of the that misery, I finally started to get a handle on the motherhood thing. I started doing tricky things like going for a long drive at about 2:00 and I tricked Sloane into 3 or 4 naps and then she figured it out and started chatting or singing really loud to keep herself awake (yes, she's a sleepless psychopath). We started getting into a good groove. We went to the mommy and me dance class every week, and the library story time and somedays I felt like I was the best mom ever! There were still days when none of us would leave the house or get out of pajamas, but for the most part things were really good. I had to learn which battles to fight, make sure Sloane didn't get hungry (she gets more hangry than me) and get Sydney some good long naps and then life was great! Here's some of my favorite moments from those couple months of misery/bliss.
This was the Sunday after Sydney was born. Every Sunday we pop popcorn and watch a movie. This was one of the first times that I was starting to feel like someday I might be normal again. I think it was about Day 5. We watched Coco and it was seriously one of the happiest moments having my whole family of 4 all cuddled up on the couch together. And I love Coco so much. The first two times we watched we both so special. The first time was when we took Sloane to her first movie and she loved it. She had her own popcorn and drink and watching sitting by herself and being so pleased with her set up was the best thing.
Sydney was such a sleepy and cuddly baby those first few weeks.
My mom came up to help during her birthday, so Nate made her a real good dinner and birthday cake and Sloane was so excited. Sloane is obsessed with birthdays.
Cuddling with my girls.
I couldn't cook, so Sloane took over.
JK. But Nate really did and he did not disappoint. Every meal was like 4 courses and the most delicious thing ever. I just wish I had a bigger appetite. So much wasted deliciousness.
March 7: My first real walk around the neighborhood. I wore that jacket for like 4 months straight and now seeing it makes me cringe just a little.
I took Sloane and Sydney out by myself for the first time to an Easter Egg hunt at the local preschool. She loved it. It was a blizzard and trying to get Sydney all wrapped up in the baby wrap without getting whitewashed was the biggest struggle of my life.
Sloane wanted to and still wants to help with EVERYTHING. Sometimes she is actually really helpful and other times...
I took Sloane to the park and she had so much fun. It was cold (note the snow on the ground) but we didn't care because the glorious sun was finally out!
It took 2 weeks for to finally get around to dying eggs. It was only one day after Easter, so I'm counting it as a success. I was overly confident and didn't read the instructions on how you dissolve the color tablets so I ruined every single cup of color, but luckily I bought another kit that you could just paint on. We had fun. Sloane dumped the blue cup of dye all over the table on the only spot that wasn't covered with towels. Magic. It was a fun activity and Sloane was beaming with pride after they were all done. I never want to forget her little face showing off her eggs she made.
I was feeling very confident one day and took the girls to baby animal days. It was actually a really good day. It rained a little but not enough to ruin everything. Sloane was an angel all day and waited in line so patiently to see the animals and Sydney slept most the time. Much to my dismay, Sloane was dying to ride the train, so we waited in the super long line and it was so worth it. She loved it so much and her face during the ride was pure joy. I love how such simple things can make her 100% happy.
Holding the baby turtle. Sloane was a little nervous to hold it, but I told her she was a brave girl and she did it.
Seeing the cherry blossoms at the capital. Both the kids were sleeping peacefully, I apologized to Nate and said that unfortunately I didn't care that they were sleeping and that we were going to stop anyway and wake them up. It may have been a mistake, Sydney cried the whole time, but I don't regret it. It was so beautiful and it made me so happy to see the earth coming back to life again!
Coming down the stairs after Dance Class.
Bonnie and Wes took Sloane every day for the first couple weeks so I could rest and figure Sydney out. I do not know what I would have done without them. Sloane got really sick a couple days and I had to keep her home and it was so hard to take care of her when I couldn't even really walk myself. I would go over and pick her up in the afternoon and almost every time I went to get her, they were having tons of fun and she didn't want to leave. We are so lucky to have these people in our lives.
Picnic at the Rugby game. Sloane only wants to play picnic every single day of her life, so I thought she would lose her mind if we went on actual picnic...turns out she like pretend picnics better.
I accidentally shaved Nate's hair all off. He asked me to cut the back and I thought the guard was still on, and it was not. Oops. I felt so bad and so dumb. But Nate was so nice about it all. We took this picture right before church. When we got to church people were literally laughing out loud at Nate's head. He has never gotten so much attention. Now everyone thinks he is the most extreme person in the world.
Little moments like this is what I really miss when I'm working.
We went to my work party and got to go bowling and roller skating, it was a good night.
Sloane begged to go over to Bonnie and Wes's house almost every day. Somedays I would let her but most days I told her no. Towards the end of my maternity leave Flint wanted to play with her so bad that he and Wes would come and knock on the door and ask for her to come play. They wouldn't let me pay them for any of that time so I felt bad having her over for too long. I'm so glad she has such a happy place to be while I'm at work, it makes it a little easier knowing that she is playing outside in the dirt and roasting mallows all day.
Sloane LOVED dance class. She would ask every day if we were going to dance class. She also wanted to play dance class regularly. It was really fun to have some good quality time to play with her and also be with my dance friends who bring their kiddos.
Those cheeks guys.
Logan was a little late to the blossom party.
For my birthday we went to dinner and movie. I worked up all the courage I could and we went and saw the Quiet Place. It was so good and so fun. It stressed me out so bad, having a newborn baby and thinking about trying to keep her quiet.
I got to go to an awesome hip hop class last month. The guy that taught is a deaf, but can feel the beat of the music through his feet. He had so much personality and was so funny even though he never said a word. I went with some of my dance homies and we all had so much fun trying to be thugs.
This set up happened every single. We maybe missed one or two days, but every other day we had to have a picnic.
Blessed sunshine and strategic shade placement for the baby.
Towards the end of my maternity leave I took the girls down to Highland to surprise my mom and take her to the Tulip Festival with my sister and her kids. It was a stressful drive, with Sloane saying she was carsick and threatening barf with the scariest noises and Sydney crying for a lot of it. But we had a fun time and I'm glad we were able to make it work.
Sloane and Lola are the cutest little cousins.
Me just trying to recreate photos from years past and Sloane's not having it.
Buying these kids ice cream was one of the best investments of my life. They all sat quietly and ate them while me and Linz feed the babies.
I cannot emphasize the amount of difficulty in trying to take a selfie while simultaneously trying to support a newborn.
It's really hard.
Park day with Flint. Sloane had so much fun with her best bud with her.
Library story time and more blossoms.
I'm not one for matching outfits, but Bonnie bought the girls these outfits and so I put them in them and accidentally thought they were adorable matching it up.
And that's a wrap. I can't promise more, but I sure hope there will be more to come soon.